The freaky story of Professor St John
by TheRushHourWriter
Summary: Well, St. John thought being Professor X was just so much fun, he decided to take his place at the Institute!


Why Remy isn't an X-Man (well. not really what it was set out to be, but it  
does conclude in that! Wow! That sure is a loooooong title! )  
  
Random event: Professor X died, so St. John took over his job at the institute. Now, that really doesn't make much sense, so let's just take it from the top. One day, Professor Xavier overcome his evilness and decided to try and get Quicksilver to start working alongside the X-men, ever since he's so eager to a) change camps a lot; and b) be near Evan. Professor Xavier seems to enjoy doing that with many members of the Brotherhood. So, he called Pietro over for a cup of coffee (somehow, giving caffeine to Pietro doesn't seem like such a hot idea, he might jump to the moon! But tea sounded stupid!!). He was there in, like, half a second. But he started running around the institute stupidly, and the Prof. called Jean to use her telekinesis to stop him and stick him in a teeny room with no windows (or doors for that matter! They used Kitty for that!) and he went in there too. And, obviously, Pietro began running around on the ceiling (yes, taking a note, never ever give Pietro anymore coffee, right, very bad idea) and right then , the Prof. tried to go into his mind. And he had a stroke. and died. and because he was so randomly evil, he went straight to Limbo!  
  
However, when Pyro heard of all this, he became upset, because he was the one who wanted to burn in the eternal flames of Hell (well, be in control of the eternal flames of Hell and overthrow Lucifer, really). So he decided that if he were to act exactly like the Prof., he'd be able to do just that! So he frolicked over to the institute with his pal Remy ("Remy only coming to see his cherie.") and calmly told the X-men (and girls) what he had in mind (except for matches and torches and scorched stuff). Kurt and Kitty and Scott and Jean were still very upset by the recent events and couldn't stop crying like little girls. So that meant they agreed. in a weird, Pyro sort of way. Rogue didn't really care, she was now melting over Evolution Remy's quasi-Louisiana accent. And Evan was in the sewers. And Auntie O. err. I mean Storm was happy that she's not going to be taken for a snowplow or a driver ever again. Wolverine. well, Wolverine isn't really done sobbing over Capt. America and Barry White (see B. White Memorial in Stuff Page). The Prof. too. We'd be taking it too far. I suppose it's a good thing he's off to fight off his inner demons or computer-chips or whatever right now. And Beast.. well, we don't have to tell you about what everyone is feeling upon Charles Xavier's demise! And frankly, I don't care if Beast is off cutting his wrists right now! Back to the story! So, before they even knew, there was a warp-speed, malevolent pyromaniac on the loose through the institute! Whoa-hoo! Suddenly, everybody (err. should I say it?. BUT NOT REALLY!!! Just all the X-men) forgot about mourning a guy who put them through all sorts of. HORRIBLE horrible ordeals, and had a meeting in Amara's room. Amara didn't want to be left alone, so she never let go of Jean's arm anymore. And Scott didn't want to have a meeting without Jean (even though she could mentally participate, but anyway) and Kurt and Kitty just randomly agreed that Amara's room was great! YAY! Go Amara's room! Whoa! Rogue was having a bit of trouble getting Remy to stop trying to feed her crawdads and chili peppers, but then she just put a finger on him and he went unconscious. Rogue promised to be back and eagerly ran to the meeting (uh-ha. right. that's gonna happen.). "He's malevolent and insane! We're doomed!" Scott yelled and blew his nose in a big red hanky. Actually, he doesn't really know what color it is. To Scott, everything is red. They were all sitting on this big (red) bed in Amara's enormous (red) room with cute little pink (red) curtains and the (red) sun was shining through the (red) windows on Kurt's blue (red) face. (Poor Scott.) "Uh. YEAH!" Kitty supported Scott just because he's the leader. "We shouldn't have to stand for this!" Jean threw her fist in the air, but accidentally into Nightcrawler's jaw, which knocked him out. Jean is very determined when it comes to this sort of thing, isn't she? "What do you think, Rogue?" Scott asked because he just had to have Rogue's approval. Rogue was unfortunately not able to speak, either because she was temporarily infatuated or because she had had too many chilies and her tongue had burnt down. "Well, we can't do this without everyone agreeing!" Jean jumped up and down obnoxiously. "Like, do what?" Kitty asked. "Get St. John to quit!" Scott said, because he knows Jean better than anyone knows her blah blah blah. "Like, how will we do that? He really really wants to be our leader!" "We're the X-Men," Scott got up on his feet, "and the X-men." "Hello, everyone!" Remy suddenly stepped in. "Hello Remy!" everyone answered. "." Rogue said and fell off her chair. "Why wasn't Remy called to dis meeting? Remy very eager to socialize." "Umm." Scott took a moment to think whether he should include Remy in the good people circle. It worked in the old series. Why not? "You wouldn't be interested in helping us get St. John out of here, would you?" he asked, obviously expecting him to say no. Not because Remy usually doesn't care or is too lazy to want to help, but because he was on St. John's team. If there was a team left. umm. Magneto DID blow up. or implode or whatever. "Ok." "Huh? Really? You're, like, going against Pyro?" Kitty phased through Amara who had taken the last seat on the edge of the bed and forced her to sit in the middle instead. "Can Remy keep da room with da 'Festering Boils' on the ceiling? He likes da 'Festering Boils'. He, as in Remy, not St. John. Even though Remy guessing St. John likes anything dat boils and den burns down and turns to ash." "Alright. You're on the team!" they all laughed and patted him on the back. Remy didn't look very happy, so he threatened everyone that 'he'd blow them up sky high if they didn't leave him alone'. So they did. All the new X-men were now magically wearing their fighting costumes, Kurt had magically woken up, when, ALL OF A SUDDEN, Professor St. John's head appeared on an enormous screen on Amara's wall, that was pretty obvious, but no one had noticed before. Amara fainted, because Pyro was a very big threat to her. He made her. DANCE! EEPS!!! "Oh no!" everyone including Remy but excepting Rogue yelled. "TEEHEEHEEHEE! TIME FOR TRAINING! YEE-HAW! Off to the Danger Room with you! Oh, hello Remy! You can go as well!" Remy smacked himself on the forehead and then followed all the other abashed slaves of Pyro. He was actually following Rogue, but let's just make him seem all heroic! And Scott wasn't all that upset. Scott likes going to the Danger Room and telling the other X-Men to work as a team and blow up that shiny metaly thing and stop teleporting, Kurt and stuff like that. BUT Kurt, Kitty and Jean were upset! Very, very upset!!! It was eating them up from inside! AAAARRRGGGHHH! And when they all reached the Danger Room: "X-Men, fighting simulation no. 14328563475!" Prof. St. John said from his little glass room. "Oh, no!" Scott valiantly. uh. squirmed around. "Not fighting simulation no. 14328463475! 'Not the big demented robot controlled by Magneto, Mystique, Apocalypse and Chuckie Doll' mission! NOOOOO!" "NOOOOO!" Kurt, Kitty and Jean said. "." Rogue waved her hands around. "That's not what I said!" Prof. St. John yelled in his little microphone. "Dat not what he said." Remy crossed his arms. "St. John said fighting simulation no. 14328563475! Middle figure 5, not 4." "Ohhhh!" Scott, Kurt, Kitty and Jean exclaimed. "Well that's not so bad!" Scott said. "That's the 'little teeny robot controlled by 6 year old girl with ponytail and teddy bear' mission!" Hurrahs. "Well, X-Men, let's go!" Scott began running and zapping things, but knocked himself out by stupidly running straight into a big metaly thing. Kurt and Kitty just looked at him doing nothing much, because they usually get knocked out during fights. Remy then put his hand on the Danger Room walls and made it all blowy uppy and then the lights went out and the simulation stopped. "Remy finished simulation. Can Remy go listen to da 'Festering Boils' now?"  
  
"Well, no!" Prof. St. John said. "You children have to go to school now, remember?" "Wha'? Remy too old for school! Don't make Remy come up dere and blow you up!" "Sorry, Remy, it's in the contract." "Contract?" "When you told Scott you wanted to become an X-Man, I recorded you. And since you say 'Remy this and Remy that' there is no doubt it's you! Umm.TEEHEEHEEHEEE! Burn! Flame! Fried Teddy!" "You recorded Remy?" Remy asked dumbfounded. "Let's go, Kurt, Kitty, I'm carpooling today. Remy, you can ride with Scott," Jean said enthusiastically. Remy just stood there open-mouthed. "Remy not believing dis! Remy been thru high school! How do you t'ink Remy became a Masta' Tief?! Hey, Remy driving!" he said and threatened Scott to blow him up if he still wanted to drive. Scott didn't move, so Remy threatened to blow up his car. That's when Scott backed away obediently. "." Rogue muttered, thinking that they all forgot about her, but since Scott's car keeps changing from a two-seater to a four-seater, she rode with Remy. On the way: "Wow, Remy, that is really messed up," Scott said. "And we even have a test at French today! Man." "?" Rogue said. "Remy speaks perfect French. Remy not worried. Remy only worried he won't last for more dan one day widout blowing up Prof. St. John. Maybe Remy going to take his lighter. And den tie him up to da sink!" "Oh. Ok." Later dat day: "Remy still can't believe he got an F in French. How was Remy suppose to know it was French Literature and not French, as in language." Rogue was finally able to speak. She and Remy were lounging on the living- room couch. "Well, at least we both got sent home early so we could stop Pyro from completely redecoratin' the institute! We got you to thank for that." Earlier that day: "Oh my gosh, Remy, you blew up that teacher!" Remy's fat ex-new classmate squealed. "Remy guess classes are over." Meanwhile, outside of Remy's classroom: "I wonder what Remy did on his test." Rogue thought. Just then, the door smashed into her face and Remy stepped out. "Oh, sorry, cherie," he apologized and carried her towards the exit, but they were both called to the principals office. Well, not Rogue, but Remy forgot to put her down. "You mutants disgust me!" Kelly said and expelled them. He expelled Remy, anyway, he couldn't find a reason to expel Rogue. A few minutes later: "Ah! Prof. Pyro is burnin' down the institute," Rogue pointed at St. John, who was in front of the X mansion with a lighter and was indeed, burning it down. "Remy gonna go stop him. Wanna come?" So, Rogue touched Pyro, and he went negative and toppled over. Remy took his lighter and gave it to Rogue for safekeeping. He wanted to blow it up, but felt sorry for his 'ami'. And then he tied him up to the sink! In the meantime, however, Rogue turned 'Pyro' and tried to turn Ray into a real crisp as he walked by. And then she went after Storm. But Storm put out her fire. Back to present time. Scott, Jean, Kurt and Kitty were returning to the institute. "What happened here?" Kurt asked because he also says this in the series. "Kurt, like, isn't it obvious?" Kitty put her hands on her hips. "Our leader is, like, a mentally unstable pyromaniac!" "Oh. right!" So they went in where Remy and Rogue explained everything. Suddenly, the door-bell rang. "Who is it?" they all said. "It is I, Professor Xavier!" Jean opened the door. "I have risen from the grave to come and be your ruler!" he dramatically said and wheeled in with his X-themed wheelchair. "Oh. hello, Gambit, wah's goin' down?" Blank stare from Remy. "They actually kicked me out of Hell because I was a mutant and because I was too evil!" "Well, welcome back, Professor! We're all very glad to see you alive and well!" Jean gave the Prof. a hug. "No we aren't," Kurt voiced Kitty and Scott. "Anyway, I'm back! And I'm here to stay! FOREVER! AHAHAHAHA!" "." said the X-Men. "Remy more scared of evil Professor Xavier than of St. John. Remy glad Remy in Evolution series and not a real X-Man. Remy off to destroy any evidence of that and to get St. John away from Professor X's random evilness. Bye!" "So long, Remy!" "Bye cherie!" "Bye." So, that's why Remy isn't an X-Man. And that's why Evan isn't sad that he lives in the sewers. And that's why Sabertooth is dead (well. no. not really) and why Angel really, really, really insisted on staying in NYC. And why, after he escaped from the tiny room, Quicksilver ran away really, really, really, really fast-like. He was back in the Brotherhood in, like, another half a second. Maybe faster, cause he was so scared. And that's why all the other X-Kids are running away tonight.  
  
The End 


End file.
